26th July 2023 / Written by Alex
Category: Dating
Bob is going out. He is sober and he sees a girl he finds attractive. There are thoughts of going over to her and saying "Hi" which immediately release some adrenaline. But suddenly Bob's brain starts to rationalize. It's coming up with lots and lots of reasons not to go over and talk to her. Anxiety is building up now. His brain is running wild. "Well, she is not that pretty" or "I'm not dressed properly today" or "I don't want to disturb her friends". All these thoughts run through Bob's head and they prevent him from going over and talking to that girl. Did you experience a similar situation? Who hasn't, right? But why do we react in such a way? What makes it so damn difficult to just go over and talk to someone who has caught our eye in a bar or on the streets? Let's check out the three surprising reasons that may prevent you from approaching.
Let's have a look at our past. Twelve thousand years ago humans were living in larger groups and small villages. It was super important for our survival to be accepted by the group. It was necessary to get protection from the group and to share resources with others when times were tough. This means rejection could cost your life. But avoiding rejection is rooted way more back in the past and it evolved as a survival mechanism. And it is still present today. That's why it gets even harder when other people are around. They could see you being rejected and they could decide to reject you themselves. You would have no more protection and no more resources and your survival would be at stake. So, when you decide to approach a woman there is something in your brain that is signaling these ancient concerns to your rational mind to avoid the risk of being rejected. Your rational mind does not know the reason though and it has to come up with a plausible reason why not to approach. That's when it bombards your conscious mind with absurd reasons that make you regret not going over to that girl even more after it is too late.
The second major reason is our fear of "ego crumble". This fear is especially present in men aged 30 and above. Men above 30 typically have built up some status, wealth and a solid self-esteem. And still, being rejected by a woman can kill them inside, no matter the thickness of their wallet. Being rejected by a woman would hurt their ego way more than that of a 20-year-old who typically has nothing great to offer (in terms of wealth and social status) anyway. If you're 20 and you read this, then be happy! You have so much time ahead of you to work on your social value and by reading this and getting yourself informed about the way of the Alpha your path will be golden. Back to the middle-aged men. Not having gained the skill to approach women in their 20s these men might have to work even harder on themselves to leave their comfort zone. The most important thing to do here is to try to leave aside all the emotions that arise when your ego is being hurt. Try to stay rational. Nothing will happen when you're getting rejected. You will keep your social status and your wealth. And don't forget... you will also stay alive.
The third major reason for some men stems from our culture and our socially established rules. Some were raised by both parents but divorce rates have been rising in the last two decades. Lots of boys grew up with just their mother around (we don't consider the ones who grew up with just their fathers since they usually don't suffer from reason three). No matter which constellation you grew up in it is totally natural for children to have a strong bond with their mother. But let's focus on boys and the men they became. It is the first relationship we had with a woman. We were being loved unconditionally without doing anything for it. But still there were times when we wanted to have or do something that was wrong in the eyes of our mothers and we may have been punished or screamed. This can manifest deeply in a child. We were afraid of not being loved anymore after doing something wrong. This is nonsense of course but a child doesn't know better. That's why it's super important to assure a child of your love especially after it did something wrong. If a child manifests this belief though and it can carry on. The people who work at kindergarten and pre-school are mostly women. And depending on how strict they were this belief became stronger. Some boys grow up with this strong belief not to displease women or we may not be loved anymore. Having a father around in your teens can help to get rid of it though. If a father talks about healthy relationships, dating and sex with his son he can help him take women down from the pedestal. He needs to tell his son than women are just human beings and that it is not a man's live task to make women happy. Everyone is responsible for his own happiness. Even in relationships you make each other happy of course because you love each other but you're not responsible for your girlfriend or wife actually being happy and vice versa. She can try to make you happy but you're responsible for your own happiness. This means you need to talk to her and tell her what makes you happy and what doesn't. I hope you get the point. Let's get back to approaches. This manifested behavior from your childhood can lead to subconsciously feeling wrong about going over to a woman and asking for her number (you want something and it may be displeasing to your mom). But you're not aware of this. Your brain comes up with excuses like "maybe another time she looks busy right now" or "what if she gets angry and yells at me".
Whichever of these reasons applies to your approach anxiety, you can work on it! You can get over it and overcome your anxiety. You will be able to approach woman in a natural, honest and authentic way without feeling bad for it or creeping her out. It's just a matter of the right mindset and the right training with the right coach by your side.
Stay Awesome
Alex